Nigeria, or ‘mano Naija’ as we commonly call it, has always had the look of the successful cousin from a traditional African family. Or like the uncle who appears at the summer Sunday meeting wearing a suit despite the 45 degree sun and speaking polite English like the British – just to remind everyone that he studied.
The proud owner of many possessions and profitable businesses with a wealth to be envied such that the richest black man in the world lives there. Only that lately, the African giant is getting confused with white nyashs of Dalila and has ended up tripping on his own sandals.
According to our boss, who from time to time gives us our own money back with a favour face, the thermometer on the belly of ‘Naija’ has plummeted. GDP has fallen like someone who has been fasting – but who still wants to smile in the photo. In political-economic language we would say: it collapsed, crumbled, fell. Down from US$ 477.38 billion to US$ 188.37 billion under the command of Uncle Bola Tinubu, with more than 60% of holes in the hull, as many experts say!
Tragic! If it was a phone, we would say that it is 60% battery and no longer fills – like an iPhone battery we bought on the black market. And just as everything that rots spreads a smell, this decomposition did not only affect the main dish. It also infected the yeast. So now the wheat for cake does not ferment, leaving citizens in a dilemma. Cousin Naira has become an escort of last category, like those that are sold cheaply in corners of Lagos.
After all, you are still important, even with fever. You are still “the Chinese of Africa” – you are everywhere. It is the same to talk about “Zambézians of Mozambique”. If you don’t know one, it’s because you haven’t paid attention yet. That is why I consider them important in family meetings.
However, in that last meeting, his fever caused chills in other brothers – and the whole family. It’s something to worry about. As we always say, among friends there on the wall at midnight: when the biggest stumbles, the little ones tremble. And in this tremor, dangerous spaces open up for unnecessary strangers to enter our homes.
At a time when Africa is trying to pull the balance to its side, the visit of brother-in-law Ramaphosa to the strange visitor – but also a friend – called Uncle Sam, who always despised us, the same one that for years called us “sh*tholes”, but now seems to have rediscovered that we exist… This should worry ‘mano Naija’.
But make no mistake. Brother-in-law Ramaphosa did not ask for photos. He was positioned on the video. With the giant Naija stumbling, it seems that Queen ‘Mzansi’ is advancing to occupy the strategic vacuum. After all, if the locomotive that was Naija has stalled, someone needs to pull the cars. And with Uncle Xi, a.k.a ‘Zhongguó’, increasingly present in our homes, Uncle Sam does not want to waste space.
It’s like a family party where, when the father-in-law is dizzy, even the brother-in-law wants to run the house.
Meanwhile, other neighbors of our tribes are standing and marching with dignity and cunning. The twin brother ‘Le Níjje’ tries to consolidate after rebellions. The mano ‘Kwa Kagame’ dances with stability, cleaning sidewalks and painting facades – even when he makes syringes. And the discreet brother who always takes 18, the ‘Botsi’, seems to have done the homework with beautiful letters, being exemplary as usual.
The sick crisis of the giant is more than a problem of money. They are things of tradition. The warning that with money-related decisions and without visionary leadership, even giants stumble.
And when they fall, the vultures appear in many ways: as if to help, with seeds of false quality, stories to soften the ox, and even in the form of hugs with sisal rope hidden in the pocket. It’s a tradition. Even in the neighbourhoods, when the house begins to burn, those who offer plates appear… but charge the soul. Because they will remind you every day.
Now, with the giant wobbling, the little ones are moving too fast. The house is being rearranged. It remains to be seen whether the king can still rise or whether Queen Mzamsi will take over the house at dinner with Uncle Sam.
Knowing that, the fever of Naija is the fever of the whole village. And the question that hovers in the air is: shall we get the medicine in our own forest or accept another prescription from outside?
By Neque Alcino António João Francisco