One of my biggest fears after becoming irreligious was my parents discovering how I had strayed from what I was brought up with.
All the while I was in Kaduna, I was literally pretending to pray. For every moment of prayer, I would enter my room, perform ablution and put on my Hijab, spread my prayer mat, and just sit there. I lived in pretence because I didn’t want mummy to find that out. And she really never did until I left Kaduna.
But I was filled with anger for the deceit. I was very angry for not being free enough to denounce and openly express my renouncement of religion. I also really never wanted my parents to find out because I knew it would break their heart. Coupled with the fact that they know how strong a Muslim my guardian is. When I was still very obsessed with religion, it was from her I learned the best of religion. It got to a stage where I would wake up in the night to perform Isha prayer having dozed off earlier and I didn’t want to miss any salah.
I got engaged in 2018 and became irreligious in early 2019 when we were moving from Abuja to Kaduna. I wished I had discovered that atheism earlier, it would have saved me from the most traumatic relationship ever. All I did was tell my fiancé about my stance with religion based on the fact that I knew if we were going to live together, it’s better he knows early. Besides, while I am comfortable pretending to my parents, I can’t live with a partner the same way.
Then I moved to Ogun State to see if my relationship then was still gonna work. I got the f out of the relationship. That was the beginning of the liberating phase of my life. I was so free. It was the beginning of my liberating journey. Oh my God, I was free. I lived on my terms, and I enjoyed every part of it. I didn’t even have money, but I lived. I made friends, travelled, partied a bit with a few of my friends, and I also tried alcohol and got drunk – in the midst of people I trusted, by the way.
I had so much fun for real. I fell in love. I dated again, made mistakes, and learned from them. I really loved that I could live my fantasy for once. I ate pork meat, I drank local wine, I fought, shouted, cried, made a couple of people I loved cried, and a couple of people also made me cry. But I loved every part of it. The lessons, the fun, the freedom, and every uncomfortable part of it because they made me a better person.
Oh! About my biggest fear, my parents found out, and it really was a bit crazy and uncomfortable. I love the freedom that comes with it. I love the fact that they know but there’s nothing they can do about it because that exactly is what we call adulthood. I chose what to believe. I love the fact that they chose to ignore whatever they felt and still pester me to pray at every opportunity they got. But if I could change something, I would still wish they never knew about it. They were informed by my ex mistake of a person.
I hope to write about their reactions when they learnt about my irreligiousness sometime.
By Salimat Zakariyah
