Based on my personal experience, the downside of being irreligious is real. It’s made me realize that religion isn’t all bad—if only religious people could be more open-minded. If only they could let love triumph over sentiment, they might learn to respect and truly love others, instead of judging them on the basis of their religious beliefs.
The first time I became depressed, I didn’t even know it was depression. It happened in 2018 a few months after I abandoned religion. The realization that everything I had been taught as a child might have been a lie hit me hard. I felt bored with life. I developed anxiety. I’d wake up scared, not knowing why I felt that way. The world felt unreal, empty and tasteless—but somehow gardening helped me get through until I came to understand that those feelings were symptoms of depression.
Before I lost my religious beliefs, whenever something disturbed my heart, I’d pray. I’d write to God, asking for help. That always brought me relief—not because the problems were solved, but because I believed they would be. I placed everything in God’s hands, and there was a soothing reassurance in that. I didn’t have to overthink. I believed that God had it covered.
But becoming irreligious stripped away that innocence. It opened my eyes to reality. I now knew that there was no karma coming to fight for the oppressed. I became more aware and more outspoken. I learned that some battles can’t be won, and that many people will get away with the harm they inflict on others. I started seeing people for who they really are, and I realized: humans have always been the problem.
Not everyone can handle the realizations that come with leaving religion. Maybe I feel this way because I think too much. I’ve come to understand that wickedness won’t end, people will keep dying, we’ll keep hurting one another, the struggle won’t end—and maybe, the world won’t either. And sometimes, that makes me wonder, what’s the point of it all?
Still, I love being irreligious. I love the knowledge and the freedom it brings. I love how it’s helped me understand my power as a woman. I love how I can genuinely love and respect people, regardless of their race, background, or religion. I don’t ever want to go back.
But I also know there’s a price. Just as there’s a price we pay for being human, for being women, for simply existing—there’s a price for being irreligious too. For me, that price is the occasional feeling of emptiness. It still comes sometimes. I’m happier, but I’m sad at the same time.
Maybe it’s because I feel like I’ve already hacked the code to life. And now that I know… I can’t un-know it.
By Salimat Zakariyah
